reflections on home

First of all, I changed the format. this is still the same blog, but my entries became too long lengthwise, so I made the margins wider.

to go along with Henry and Peter, I've been giving home and parents a lot of thought. it's really nice to be home - living basically alone in a new city without a real solid social group has made me appreciate the company of family a lot. but even more importantly, like Henry, I feel I've grown to appreciate everything my parents have done a whole lot more. Unlike most of my friends, I don't have college loans - because of them. I've had opportunities to develop my interests in a whole bunch of different areas - because they paid for lessons, drove me places, bought me equipment when I needed.

Interestingly enough, even though they don't go to church, I feel they've taught me a lot about life, which in turn has made me reflect on my own theological thinking and worldview. They were always more realists and pragmatists than I, and they always seemed to have an appreciation for how complex the world was. As I move away somewhat from the simplified, idealistic view of my childhood (and half of my college years), I'm beginning to appreciate how they adapt to changes and are flexible.

I like having an idealistic, grand goal - college graduation, a PhD - but my mom and dad remind me that the job market requires more than just pure credentials, that there's a lot more to living than simply focusing on one thing. Missionaries speak of a similar thing; God's purpose may be one thing, but letting their mission work dominate their lives seems to be a common struggle. There's family, your hobbies, interests, etc - things to do and places to see that might not have anything to do with achieving a goal, ends, or purpose. It's hard to describe, but I get the feeling that life isn't just the straightforward quest I thought it was, where I discover God's purpose and am driven by it for the rest of my life like some adventure story or manga. Things are more integrated than that - there's the excitement of a goal, but also times of aimlessness. Clarity, but more often clouded messages. In every heart, sin, but also good.

It's been good to be home, but I constantly worry about when i'll go back. I like it here; it's comfortable, we're happy, and I feel much more stable than I was in Austin. Yet, there's always an unsettling fear - I leave in 2 weeks, but what about after that? Before I go to bed, I worry how I'll deal with my parents aging, with the idea that someday, they'll leave me too? I've never had a fraternity, and though I have close friends, they're not family - nobody can replace family. It was so difficult to have just a 1-month relationship removed suddenly; if any of the family I've known for years and years leave, how will I ever deal with that then?

I hope that someday I'll start my own family, build my own house and memories and close relationships like this. But until then, I'm scared that someday, I won't have a place to come home to.