Thursday, October 30, 2008
breaking news
Breaking news!!
I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry about this. I found this article after reading another one about past discussions on whether or not Texas might split up into two states.
I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry about this. I found this article after reading another one about past discussions on whether or not Texas might split up into two states.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
credit where it's due
I had a facebook binge tonight, where I looked at one picture, and ended up scrolling through about 500 pictures where I was tagged. With each picture, I saw a scene, a memory, an event of some sort, and was able to relive it and recall it pretty clearly. As I did so, memories of other people popped up, and I felt an intense longing to connect with a lot of these people that I hadn't talked with in a while. A few I did; the rest, I hope to.
But, as the title of this post says, I have to give them credit where it's due - walking back through these years makes it clear to me how much I owe these people that appear in my life, in terms of any character development I might have made, in terms of the fun I had, in terms of things I learned. For many, I wish I could write a long letter to them telling them the specific ways in which they impacted me and the reasons for which I remember them.
Eventually, I have to go to sleep (which I plan to do after this blog post), but these pictures and reminiscing kept me up for a good 2 hours. So if you had anything to do with me during my last 4 years and summers, there's a good chance I remembered you in these last two hours, that I wished you were still close enough for me to just walk over and talk to you, and that I thanked you for the ways you changed, taught, and influenced me in my time with you.
But, as the title of this post says, I have to give them credit where it's due - walking back through these years makes it clear to me how much I owe these people that appear in my life, in terms of any character development I might have made, in terms of the fun I had, in terms of things I learned. For many, I wish I could write a long letter to them telling them the specific ways in which they impacted me and the reasons for which I remember them.
Eventually, I have to go to sleep (which I plan to do after this blog post), but these pictures and reminiscing kept me up for a good 2 hours. So if you had anything to do with me during my last 4 years and summers, there's a good chance I remembered you in these last two hours, that I wished you were still close enough for me to just walk over and talk to you, and that I thanked you for the ways you changed, taught, and influenced me in my time with you.
Monday, October 20, 2008
depressing comic
As of today, after seeing this comic, I am severely depressed and have lost all faith in people.
Monday, October 13, 2008
an open confession and an open question
I have had my ego crushed once again. I confess two things. One, I hate expectations - it feels like the very existence of an expectation of me adds pressure. Laura Rabalais made a comment once that I tend to be very good at false modesty. In every single one of my "talents" (guitar, math, cooking?, etc), I have found people whose skills surpass mine, by which I measure "talent".
So when someone introduces me as a great bassist (or whatever), there's always a moment where I freeze for a second and hope that the people listening aren't themselves great bassists (or whatever), or they might see right through me and know that I'm just a fake who deceives people less knowledgable on a subject. Yet, I still thrive on compliments - I like to surprise people and show them I'm more than what they'd expect.
Two, I have a very difficult time moving past a failure. I've noticed this in small ways, like when I make mistakes on tests or homeworks. If it ever happens to be that the mistake is a stupid one (which happened recently with a test), I tend to obsess over it, suddenly lose drive over everything. It happened at Rice a lot; however, it probably showed most clearly when my first real dating relationship ended. For the next year (and possibly even longer; I kid you not), I'd obsess over what I could have possibly done differently to change the course of things, so much so that I feel I've changed my views on relationships because of this.
In other words, I have issues with not exceeding other's expectations. I feel like I'm being cheated when other people see me on an off day, and in the chance that my best doesn't stand up to someone else's skill level, it's usually ok because they saw me at my best and usually my best is above what they'd expect of the average person. But failing to live up to what people expect of me makes me feel like I've failed a qualifying exam to be accepted, noticed, or to be part their lives.
Somehow, I can't seem to accept that, for some people, my character and my person are more than just the sum of my actions and abilities.
-----------------------------
Now for the open question. Are the existence of transcendent moral imperatives and the existence of God necessarily mutually exclusive? i.e., can there be a moral law without a moral lawgiver? I read a blog argument where a commenter noted that concluding God from moral law is simply pushing the question back a step. Quoting his comment
So when someone introduces me as a great bassist (or whatever), there's always a moment where I freeze for a second and hope that the people listening aren't themselves great bassists (or whatever), or they might see right through me and know that I'm just a fake who deceives people less knowledgable on a subject. Yet, I still thrive on compliments - I like to surprise people and show them I'm more than what they'd expect.
Two, I have a very difficult time moving past a failure. I've noticed this in small ways, like when I make mistakes on tests or homeworks. If it ever happens to be that the mistake is a stupid one (which happened recently with a test), I tend to obsess over it, suddenly lose drive over everything. It happened at Rice a lot; however, it probably showed most clearly when my first real dating relationship ended. For the next year (and possibly even longer; I kid you not), I'd obsess over what I could have possibly done differently to change the course of things, so much so that I feel I've changed my views on relationships because of this.
In other words, I have issues with not exceeding other's expectations. I feel like I'm being cheated when other people see me on an off day, and in the chance that my best doesn't stand up to someone else's skill level, it's usually ok because they saw me at my best and usually my best is above what they'd expect of the average person. But failing to live up to what people expect of me makes me feel like I've failed a qualifying exam to be accepted, noticed, or to be part their lives.
Somehow, I can't seem to accept that, for some people, my character and my person are more than just the sum of my actions and abilities.
-----------------------------
Now for the open question. Are the existence of transcendent moral imperatives and the existence of God necessarily mutually exclusive? i.e., can there be a moral law without a moral lawgiver? I read a blog argument where a commenter noted that concluding God from moral law is simply pushing the question back a step. Quoting his comment
Why can’t morality just “be”, in the same way — to your mind — God just “is”? i.e., If God doesn’t require an explanation/origin, then why should morality?Thoughts?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
safe
I find I'm writing songs again. They're much different than the ones I used to write. In retrospect, I think those old songs were meant most of all to elicit a certain type of reaction and response (from girls), and to have them think I was a certain type of guy. Granted, I believed that was who I was, but I think I tried extra hard to show everyone else I was the shy, romantic, slightly nerdy, super enthusiastic type of guy.
These new ones seem different. When I wrote my old songs, I wrote them in a lighter mood that could be described as daydreaming, imagining scenarios that I would base a song off of. These new ones seem a heavier; maybe just a little less light. For example, I wrote about a first kiss - a little less creative than my previous songs about girls, but probably a little more mature in content as well.
I also started writing a song "Safe" - the words just sort of came out on their own, and I never imagined writing a song like this about being safe due to distance in my relationships with others. I never used to be scared of meeting people, of new relationships, and while I don't think I'm opposed to them now, I definitely have found myself more reserved and careful. Part of this is leaving college, I think; part of it is a change in my own personality. I feel more reserved, more cautious, and I don't think it's as easy for me to just be vulnerable and open with just anyone anymore.
Like the comic says, right? Love grants someone else power over you, and we never trust anyone as easily as we do the first time.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
ups and downs
Recent ups
- scored best I've ever scored on an analysis test. hooray!
- realized Rice was harder than UT grad school currently
- I finally feel somewhat competently intelligent in a few areas.
- I feel like I'm sorting out questions about God in my head
Recent downs
- despair over current research and whether or not there's even a solution
- existential despair (mid-early-life crisis, what do I want?)
- still don't feel like I have a social circle in Austin
- I think I've gained weight
- sorting out questions about God in my head seems to have no impact on my life, as much as it logically should
why is that? I recently finished Malcolm Gladwell's book, "Blink", and it talks a lot about the subconscious choices that influence our actions and our decisions (it's a great book, btw - it paints the way we think in a very new and sometimes unflattering way). It's discussion of decision-making and prejudice is especially touchy and revealing. The conclusion I'm tempted to draw after reading this book is that our actions are, for the most part, outside of our area of influence.
Yet, I think many would argue otherwise. "Ideas Have Consequences", claims Richard Weaver in his famous book by that title - ideas do change the face of culture, and FDR (or was it Churchill?) claimed once that the next war we fight will be with ideas. It does seem true that most people cannot survive a dichotomy between their ideas and their actions for long - either actions or ideas have to cave, and most of the time, the habits that we've built up with our actions win out.
For me, though, it seems as if my doubt and questions about a year ago invited in a new worldview through the backdoor - with everything thrown into question, I had nothing to really believe in or stand on, and nature, abhorring a vacuum, filled it with the simplest and closest hedonistic worldview. After a long time of thinking and questioning, my thought process appears to have come back to the Christian theistic one; however, my actions and life are still firmly entrenched in my old habits.
How much control do we have over our lives and our thoughts after all? I think the answer is a lot, but not through our typical methods of controlling our actions and ideas. Thoughts and ideas are entwined together - you can change your intellectual thinking about different minority groups, but racism is most effectively dealt with by forcing our selves to interact with those minority groups. Likewise, actions without a guiding thought can have no goal, and can end up being done pointlessly. Even worse, actions guided by the wrong train of thought can be easily manipulated and abused, and can form negative habits and entrench wrong thinking in the future.
Time to try to form good habits, guided by good thoughts. Thought #1 - I'm a) 23, b) single and c) out of shape. Resultant action - lets go exercise so I can fix b) and c).
- scored best I've ever scored on an analysis test. hooray!
- realized Rice was harder than UT grad school currently
- I finally feel somewhat competently intelligent in a few areas.
- I feel like I'm sorting out questions about God in my head
Recent downs
- despair over current research and whether or not there's even a solution
- existential despair (mid-early-life crisis, what do I want?)
- still don't feel like I have a social circle in Austin
- I think I've gained weight
- sorting out questions about God in my head seems to have no impact on my life, as much as it logically should
why is that? I recently finished Malcolm Gladwell's book, "Blink", and it talks a lot about the subconscious choices that influence our actions and our decisions (it's a great book, btw - it paints the way we think in a very new and sometimes unflattering way). It's discussion of decision-making and prejudice is especially touchy and revealing. The conclusion I'm tempted to draw after reading this book is that our actions are, for the most part, outside of our area of influence.
Yet, I think many would argue otherwise. "Ideas Have Consequences", claims Richard Weaver in his famous book by that title - ideas do change the face of culture, and FDR (or was it Churchill?) claimed once that the next war we fight will be with ideas. It does seem true that most people cannot survive a dichotomy between their ideas and their actions for long - either actions or ideas have to cave, and most of the time, the habits that we've built up with our actions win out.
For me, though, it seems as if my doubt and questions about a year ago invited in a new worldview through the backdoor - with everything thrown into question, I had nothing to really believe in or stand on, and nature, abhorring a vacuum, filled it with the simplest and closest hedonistic worldview. After a long time of thinking and questioning, my thought process appears to have come back to the Christian theistic one; however, my actions and life are still firmly entrenched in my old habits.
How much control do we have over our lives and our thoughts after all? I think the answer is a lot, but not through our typical methods of controlling our actions and ideas. Thoughts and ideas are entwined together - you can change your intellectual thinking about different minority groups, but racism is most effectively dealt with by forcing our selves to interact with those minority groups. Likewise, actions without a guiding thought can have no goal, and can end up being done pointlessly. Even worse, actions guided by the wrong train of thought can be easily manipulated and abused, and can form negative habits and entrench wrong thinking in the future.
Time to try to form good habits, guided by good thoughts. Thought #1 - I'm a) 23, b) single and c) out of shape. Resultant action - lets go exercise so I can fix b) and c).
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